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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

It's On Now...

First time here? Check the Beginning to get the general idea.
Also, here's the Mission Statement.

The season is fast approaching. The Giants first game is April 3rd (which by the way is on ESPN2…those Bonds worshippers), which means Barry can start hitting home runs then, which means a bunch of tragic shit starts happening. More ideas of how to stop this guy are needed and this might be the best one yet.

The Cobra Kai.

Yeah they may have had their problems with Mr. Miyagi, but he is dead now. And if he was still alive, he would probably want to save the world anyway. And yeah, they also had their problems with that fucking loser Daniel LaRusso but that guy is nothing without Miyagi, and have you seen him lately? He’s not cool or tough.

So what is the Cobra Kai’s motivation? I had a chance to ask executive director and sensei of the Cobra Kai Dojo, John Kreese. It seems it isn’t difficult for this guy to HATE people. Listen to what he said about stopping Bonds, here.

And the biggest bad ass of them all, Johnny Lawrence, is still taking orders from his sensei, who will no doubt order Johnny to sweep Barry’s leg. Except it won’t be like the All Valley Karate Tournament where there are stupid rules. Johnny will continue to sweep Barry’s leg until his bum knee explodes. Plus Johnny has minions of his own now. You can check them out here. They are dead serious and if Johnny HATES Barry, these guys will HATE him too.

Then there is my personal favorite, Dutch. He is generally in the shadow of his hard ass sensei and ringleader Johnny, but he is easily the most underrated Cobra Kai member. Word is, Dutch’s motivation isn’t so much preventing Barry from ending the world as it is that he just HATES black people.

STRIKE FIRST! STRIKE HARD! NO MERCY!
The guys are pretty fucking scary.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Updates

New posts are coming. Trust me. Once the season starts the shit is going to hit the fan. For now though news is slow and the research ongoing. Until then why don't you try to beat the Hulk Hogan post in the Death Match competition.

Friday, March 10, 2006

THE DEATH MATCH

Check out that picture of Rocker in the next post. Or check it out on his website. Look at the pic next to the kitten. Dude is pretty cut. That picture begs the question: If John Rocker, Barry Bonds, Chuck Norris, A.C. Slater, a ninja, and a pirate got into a cage match fight to the death...who would win and more importantly how would they win?

Comment away. The best one will get a Reader Appreciation post, which basically gives you hero status if we stop Bonds and save the world. Feel free to add your own characters in the Death Match.

Reader Appreciation...

Good comments will get you noticed, especially if you are famous, or if you write a good narrative comment. If you missed it, here is BonVar's comment to the Geology sucks post. Keep them coming people.



"Geology does suck. So does Barry Bonds. Not only does he cause substantial damage to the earth, and disrupt the delicate balance of what we know about plate tectonics, he also HATES kittens. Since he hates kittens, then naturally he HATES babies, as kittens are nothing more than baby cats. John Rocker LOVES kittens (as seen on www.johnrocker.net) and babies too for that matter. As far as babies are concerned... they were not always called babies. They used to be referred to only as infants -until Babe Ruth started hitting homeruns. Babe Ruth filled new mothers' lives with such joy the only thing they could compare the joy to was looking at their infants... thus they lovingly started referring to their infants as... "Babies." Dear God, don't get me started on how the term "bail BONDS" came about. Can we really compare Babe Ruth to Barry Bonds...... FUCK NO! "

That was the picture from Rocker's website by the way.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Geology Sucks

Barry's first home run as a Giant came on April 12, 1993 in a 4-3 win against the Marlins. It didn't really matter how many home runs he had at the time because the apparent BTE (Bonds Tragedy Effect) was incredibly low...at least it was on April 12. And though the actual BTE time was relatively slow in human time, in geologic time it was quick as shit.

That home-run caused an ever so slight shift along SoCal's San Andreas Fault. This occurrence was unnoticed even by geologists at the time, but eventually would wreak havoc. A little over a month later, on May 27, a 5.2 magnitude earthquake occurred: The Wheeler Ridge Earthquake. On the Richter Scale, a 5.2 magnitute really isn't that high so again the apparent BTE was seemingly low. There's more to it.

Remember Plate Tectonics from elementary school? Yeah they teach you that shit for a reason. The Earth's land masses are connected to plates that were once all connected and have been drifting apart...its complicated stuff involving the lithosphere and asthenosphere and complicated junk like that. The point is the plates are connected and they can cause problems, e.g. earthquakes. Well this particular Bonds home-run causing this particular earthquake, causing a spontaneous, unpredicted plate shift really F'ed things up on a geological scale. Keeping in mind that geology is an incredibly slow moving process, nine years is basically the blink of an eye on such a scale. So scientifically speaking the nine years it took for the North American Plate shift to move the Pacific Plate, that slammed into the Australian Plate, that pounded the Indian Plate is certainly plausible.


When the Indian Plate got pounded by the Australian Plate, an earthquake with a magnitude of 9.15 registered in the Indian Ocean. That sparked the most lethal tsunami in the history of the world in December of 2004.

Barry Bonds hits a home-run...230,000 die.



Reader Appreciation Post

The few comments we have gotten here at BoD are much appreciated. They keep us going, so write comments of your own...seriously. We kind of have the upper-hand here. If we stop researching and posting, the world won't know about our theory, Bonds will hit 756...and all of you will die.

So here is the first of what could be many Reader Appreciation Posts. The first goes out to who is easily our most famous reader, Debi Curzio: John Rocker's publicist. Not only is she our most famous, but also the hottest. Roid Rage pointed this out in his comments on the Rocker post, and I know for a fact that some pretty smokin hot chicks have checked this site out.

Be sure to check out Rocker's website here. And Ms. Curzio has a website under construction here. Rocker was featured in a news article recently as well. Check that out here. As her comment noted, she even forwarded this site to Mr. Rocker himself. The dude probably has better things to do, but we like to think he read it...and liked it...and maybe, just maybe we will get an email??? rich.varner@ttu.edu

Also be sure to check out www.deadspin.com . Its probably the funniest, most comprehensive sports blog/website on the internet. Remember the days when you had to rely on that whore ESPN? Those days are long gone. Go to Deadspin instead. We have also gotten some comments from other bloggers. We don't know anything about these guys or these blogs, except that Debi Curzio does NOT go to their blogs.
Moonlighting in Misery
Arfansar

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

So Now What...

So looks like two of our most loyal readers, the San Francisco Chronicle's Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada, are right with our theory. And they want Bonds stopped.

This puts Bringer of Doom in a precarious position. If Bonds gives into the pressure he is about to be under, our theory will go unproven and we will go down as heroes to a scant few. We were kind of hoping he would get somewhere in the 720-740 range this year. Of course there would be tragedy, but the end of the world means the end of the world for everybody. If Bonds hit a home-run and a bunch of Americans died, for example, people would have to take notice. He doesn't want to draw too much attention to himself. But if Bonds hit a homer and a bunch of Bush hating jihadist Muslims died, nobody would really care. At all.

This is probably a dumb idea anyway. The relatives of Dave L. Sandler would no doubt beg to differ. Maybe its better not to take the chance at all. But Bonds is probably going to play anyway. He will sit in his leather recliner in the clubhouse all year, not talk to reporters, deny he ever took anything, and continue on his selfish quest of mass destruction.

So we must go on. Chronicling our journey and gathering empirical data to prove that Barry Bonds is in fact... the Bringer of Doom.

WWHD?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Guess What???

Shitty people do shitty things...and people who take human growth hormones and cattle steroids have really freaking huge heads. Its SCIENCE.

Resolution Number 2

First time here? Check the BEGINNING.
Also check our MISSION STATEMENT

Hardcore baseball fans know Al Hrabosky as thae "Mad Hungarian". A closer in the 70's for the Cardinals and the Braves, Al was known for his blazing fastball (pretty much his only pitch) and his intimidating on field antics. Al never hit a homerun in the big leagues himself, and he only gave up 50 dingers in 722 career innings throughout his 13 year career. However, when he did serve one up, it had a tendency to go very far. I think it is safe to say that this former fireballing closer hated power hitters and therefore probably HATES Barry Bonds. Lucky for us, the Mad Hungarian is currently a broadcaster for the St. Louis Cardinals. I have been told by medical experts that due his already volital mental state, Al would be a prime canidate for brainwashing. (Think Reggie Jackson in the Naked Gun) All somebody would have to do is hide a weapon under second base before a Cardianls-Giants game in St. Louis. Then brainwashed Al, who has a press pass and would be allowed on the field, could take care of the rest during a "routine" pregame interview. Just an idea.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Blog Crap

Anybody can leave comments on posts now, not just registered users....so leave some damn comments. And sign the damn guestbook. So far the only person to sign the thing is Barry Bonds.

Resolution Number 1

So to keep the world from ending, we have to come up with ideas of how to stop Barry Bonds. Seriously, if he wasn't to hit another home run we would be really happy, especially since when he breaks Babe Ruth's old record things are going to really start getting bad. Therefore, we here at Bringer of Doom are going to have to come up with legitimate ideas of how to stop this guy. This will take creativity, ingenuity, etc. and clearly those are qualities lacking in this website. And really, killing or injuring the guy isn't going to cut it. If it happens naturally, thats fine with us. Injury that is. So... if you do have any good ideas of how to stop this guy, here is your chance to be heard. Email us at RittyRich@aol.com

Now for our first idea of how to stop Barry Bonds. We have a few favorite baseball players. Number one on the list is Hank Aaron, of course, but there are more who will hopefully aid us on our quest to save the world. The first guy that could help us is Ritty's favorite Brave's pitcher of all-time: John Rocker. The Mouth of the South. We aren't worthy enough to have ever met the guy, but we are about 99% sure John Rocker HATES Barry Bonds (His feature is coming soon, don't worry).

So how could this guy stop Barry Bonds from getting anywhere near 755 home runs? Easy. If John Rocker pitched to Barry Bonds every single at-bat, the guy would probably hit like 5 or 6 bombs all year. Maybe. And that would probably only be if Rocker was sober, which we hope is very rare. Very rare. He might break all of his Walk records, but who cares. If he walked everytime he stepped up to the plate the world wouldn't blow up. But chances are Rocker would bean Bonds 9 times out of 10 because like we said before, Rocker HATES Barry Bonds. We hope. This would serve two purposes. One, Barry couldn't go yard if Rocker is ricocheting 95 mph fast balls off Barry's knee caps, and two, Barry's knees would eventually give out anyway. Rocker hates Bonds but he also HATES knee caps. Probably.

And by the way...our man Rocker is going to be on that new show Pros vs. Joes . Should be awesome. Now if we can only get him to follow the Giants around the country only pitching to Bonds.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Feature: People Who HATE Barry Bonds

This is the first of a new feature called The People Who Hate Barry Bonds. That police guy in Indianapolis isn't a big Barry fan, but he's dead now so it really doesn't count. Our first Barry Hating Award Recipient is none other than Oliver North.

As you can probably tell from his website and FoxNews specials, etc., Mr. North is doing pretty well despite Barry, but it wasn't always so easy for him, e.g. The Iran Contra Affair. Ollie was pretty much the fall guy and on July 5, 1989 it all came to a head. It was on that date that he was sentenced by U.S. District Judge Gerhard A. Gesell to a three-year suspended prison term, two years probation, $150,000 in fines and 1,200 hours community service. It wasn't so much that Ollie was made a key public figure, but also the fact his family was put through all of this.

And what else happened on this date? Barry Bonds homers in Pittsburgh's 6–4 loss to the Giants, giving Barry and father Bobby Bonds the ML father-and-son home run record with 408.
Fortunately for Mr. North, this was still early on in Bonds' home run totals and therefore the Barry Tragedy Effect (or BTE) was minimal. A year later North was pardoned, but trust me he knows he got screwed when Barry went yard that day. Everyone knew North was the fall guy and really didn't deserve the criminal convictions.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Home Run Number 666

For additional proof that each Barry Bonds home run brings the world one step closer to the apocalypse, you don't have to look any further than April 19th, 2004. That night, we all got a glimpse of our impending annihilation as Barry hit home run number 666. It was if Barry was trying to subtely tell us something because it just so happened to be the 6th game in a row that Barry went yard and the 9th anniversary of the infamous OKC bombings. (For those of you who instantly see the significance, a 9 is an upside-down 6) That's just too many sixes to be coincidental. After discovering these facts, I began to dig deeper.

I then realized that since the game was at night on the west coast, to most of the Christian world, the ball technically cleared the fence on the early morning of April 20th. I was somewhat relieved that the OKC bombing thing might not have been a precursor to the end of the world as brought on by Bonds home runs, but the more research I did, the more bone-chilling facts I uncovered. On April 20th, 1999 (three sixes upside down), 2 high school students tragically gunned down 13 (another evil number) of their classmates at Columbine High School in Colorado. Also, besides being the birthday of genocide master Slobodon Milosevic, April 20th is also the birthday of Adolf Hitler. Had Hitler still been alive and kicking it in Germany at the moment Barry crossed the plate, he would have just turned 115 years old. Further research showed that when you divide 115 by 6, you get 1.9166666666 repeating. Forever. We don't make this stuff up, people. Basically, unless pitchers don't intentionally walk Barry until he retires, we are all freaking screwed.

Apocalypse to be Televised by World Wide Leader

Looks like Barry Bonds has signed on with ESPN for a new reality show. (See here). The show will follow Bonds from spring training through the season as he chases Ruth and Aaron, which also means, if our theory is correct, America will have front row seats via their televisions for the end of the world. Well that is if Bonds gets to 755.

Filming began yesterday and ESPN's first order of business was to see what Paula Abdul would look like if she tooks steroids for 10 years. Story here.