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Friday, March 10, 2006


Check out that picture of Rocker in the next post. Or check it out on his website. Look at the pic next to the kitten. Dude is pretty cut. That picture begs the question: If John Rocker, Barry Bonds, Chuck Norris, A.C. Slater, a ninja, and a pirate got into a cage match fight to the death...who would win and more importantly how would they win?

Comment away. The best one will get a Reader Appreciation post, which basically gives you hero status if we stop Bonds and save the world. Feel free to add your own characters in the Death Match.


Blogger Barrett Sallee said...

A.C. Slater would win because he would bring his chamelon, Artie, back to life and recruit Mr. Dewey, Johnny Dakota, Casey Kasem, Mr. Karosi, Jeff (the guy that broke up Zack and Kelly), Rod Belding and Nedic from Valley to form a Saved By The Bell Army. Not even Rocker would stand a chance against that group.

1:29 PM  
Anonymous NinjaKilla said...

The ninja would simply use his stealth and wait for everybody else to kill each other off, then when the supposed victor took a second to stand over his failed prey, the ninja would swoop down and neatly cut his throat.

2:13 PM  
Anonymous Brett S. said...

Uhh...this is a no brainer. Don't fuck with Slater.

9:37 AM  
Anonymous Sleepless in Seattle said...

Yeah...I think Slater whoops everybody's ass, especially if you throw Zack in the mix and especially if Zack just ruined Albert Clifford's date.

9:39 AM  
Anonymous The ATL said...

Really guys? Slater would be the first to go down. Probably by Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. A.C. would be the only one that didn't see that one coming. Everybody else though would be tired of the Chuck Norris ball slurping and would team up to take him out. The ninja, a baseball fan, would slit Barry's throat just as the pirate shot him in the back. While the pirate was reloading his single shot pistol, Rocker would pull one of those bullpen to the mound sprints, tackle the pirate, who would probably bite Rocker's ear off, right before Rocker punched him in the adam's apple...killing him. Rocker wins the Death Match.

10:04 AM  
Anonymous Real American said...

No no guys are forgetting somebody. Here's how it goes down: Rocker is the first to go. He throws a 95 mph fastball at the ninja but misses and A.C. tackles him and rips his heart out like dude in Indiana Jones, but then gets cut down by one of the ninja's ninja stars. The pirate caps the ninja and Chuck Norris roundhouses the pirate. Chuck Norris is the only one left...BUT THEN, "Real American" starts playing real loud and Hulk Hogan comes charging at Chuck Norris, dodges his kick, tackles him, stuns his, then gives him a leg drop to the throat killing him.

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Zach Attack said...

A.C. wins. He can summon the beasts like the Beastmaster because he was on that Animal Planet show for so long. He would summon like a lion and a tiger and some panthers...and they would eat everybody.

10:14 AM  
Anonymous as;ldj said...

The pirate wins. He is actually the first to get "killed," and whoever else is left standing...say Chuck Norris, thinks he has it, but the pirate is cursed Priates of the Carribean style so he can't die.

8:52 PM  
Anonymous Cobra Kai said...

Rocker sprints into the death match but doesn't see the Norris roundhouse kick coming and gets knocked out hard. A.C. Slater in the meantime, decked out in his Bayside wrestinlg attire, rips into the pirate, then the ninja...blah blah blah. In the end Johnny Lawrence, who is still pissed about the All Valley Tournament, comes charging in and f's them all up.

2:23 AM  
Anonymous Matt Kornegay said...

My first thought would be that some of the members would form alliances/gang up and try to take out the weaker fighters. But unfortunately, all of the parties are either too unintelligent or hate each other too much to form any kind of partnership. So this is basically going to break down straight march madness style into bracketology. In round one, we are looking at a true grudge match between Rocker and Bonds. In true Bonds fashion, he is going to cheat to win this one (sorry all you good triumphs all idealists). Bonds will bring a box of kittens (b/c Rocker LOVES kittens) to distract Rocker long enough to inject him w/ enough of the "clear" to put down a herd of elephants. Next we are looking at AC v. Hogan. Now in a heads up duel Hogan will probably triumph. But when Johnny Dakota has AC's back, Nobody F's w/ AC. Finally, we see the face off b/w pirate and ninja. This is the most contested matchup, of course, because of the long time battle over which halloween costume is better. But everybody knows it's way sweeter to dress up like a ninja than a pirate (you get a sword), so the ninja will prevail. It should be noted that Norris gets a first round bye b/c he's freaking Chuck Norris. So in the final four, we are looking at Bonds, AC, the ninja, and my boy Chuck. At this point, you can throw the seeds out the window... it's an all out war. Chuck immediately takes the Bonds out with a triple, slow mow, roundhouse kick to the face (straight Blood Sport style); and the ninja whoops the shit out of AC b/c Dakota is too busy getting stoned in the bathroom to help him out. So we are left with the battle for Real Ultimate Power b/w the martial arts masters. Since Chuck is the ninja of all ninjas, it isn't really a contest (one of those thirty point blowouts). Chuck toys with him for a while and beats up on the ninja easily. But just as Norris is about to pull a Liu Kang fatility, he decides to demorilize the ninja by pissing on him. Unbeknowest to Chuck, the urine acts much like bathing yourself in the waters of Lake Minitonka and the ninja is empowered beyond all belief. The ninja proceeds to rip Chuck's head off and wear it as a hat... NINJA WINS.

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Elle said...

I think everyone should know the entry above was written by a guy that loves the show "One Tree Hill". His love of Chuck Norris is a little creepy too. I think his entry shouldn't even count...

11:01 PM  
Anonymous Ritty said...

Currently there is no disqualifcation for liking gay TV shows, actually the gayest TV show, or for having unhealthy obsessions with pop figures. Thank you.

10:11 AM  
Anonymous Matt K. said...

If it's wrong to love Chuck Norris more than any man should love another man, then I don't want to be right... OTH rocks!

12:49 PM  

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