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Thursday, April 27, 2006

Damn It

So Barry can hit a 99 mph fastball to the left side of the field as good as he can hit a Steve Trachsel 85 mph fastball to left field. Thanks a lot Billy. By the way a bus crashed into a house minutes after he hit it. Nobody died though. I don't even think the Bonds Catastrophe Determinator thought he was going to hit that pitch. Then again I don't think the BCD really understands how little it takes to hit a ball a long way when it is coming to the plate that fast. Way to leave it out over the plate Billy. That seems to be the theme for the three home runs this year. Lets try jamming this guy from now on.

Now our good friend Barry has 711 and is right on Ruth's heels. With three more to go the guessing game has begun as to what pitcher is going to give up the record breaking shot. Over at Deadspin they have the official guessing competition with prizes and everything. I am going to say it will take him all the way to the LA series and he is going to go yard off of Brad Penny. Thanks a lot in advance Brad.

But what I really hope happens is the ghost of Babe Ruth, last seen talking to that overrated trash stash Benny kid from the Sandlot, decides to pay Barry a visit. He told Benny, "Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart kid and you'll never go wrong." He wouldn't say that to Bonds, who doesn't have a heart, but what would he say? For some reason I picture him telling Barry he would fucking kill him if he broke his record. But not in that deep significant voice like you would expect but something more like Clayton Bigsby. Then he would just float off into the distance saying "woogie boogie Barry, woogie boogie." I could be wrong. Any thoughts?

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

No. 710

Bonds hit number 710 yesterday. Great. I didn't find out until this morning. I should have known since I woke up with a headache, a slight cough, and to top it off a moose snuck up on me in class.

I am beginning to think that I have it a little bit wrong. Maybe Bonds isn't the "Bringer of Doom" per se but merely the cause of Doom. Rather I think Steve Trachsel is the actual Bringer of Doom. Bringing it in a nice little 85 mph straight as a string fastball of an apocalyptic handbasket. Bonds sent a 1-1 pitch from Trachsel over the left field fence...again (last time it killed Douglas Adams). Thanks a lot Steve.

Even Steve knows he stinks.

The sad thing is that Bonds' solo shot was the only run the Giants could manage off Trachsel. Good luck on the championship you have always wanted in San Fran Barry. Even sadder is the fact that Bonds hobbled out to left field to cheers from the Giants "faithful." Saddest of all is the guy who was (probably) cheering the Bonds HR on his truck radio, license plate #6Y42661, when he struck some poor kid from Florida who was crossing a highway near San Francisco. The driver hit the guy and sped off. If you have information call CHP at (707) 588-1400. Via

In other "related" news, police are hunting killer chimpanzees in Sierra Leone who killed a taxi driver and injured three Americans. I have a couple of theories on this. Maybe the chimps know everything and are just pissed about Barry hitting home runs, because they are baseball purists like that fucker Ed- star of the worst baseball movie of all time.

Or maybe they are badass, save the world type of monkeys who broke out of the zoo and are now trying to make their way to San Francisco to stop Barry themselves. Considering National Treasure is on right now, that idea at least seems plausible for a Jerry Bruckheimer/Nic Cage movie. Either way if that's not a sign that bad things happen when Bonds hits bombs, I don't know what is (I mean monkeys killing people not necessarily that National Treasure was made).

Ass Clowns.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

It Has Begun

Barry Bonds finally hit his first home run of the season, so all you people who were feeling sorry for him can stop being gay (or Heauxmeauzsexuals if you will). But it wasn't like feeling sorry for him made him hit a home-run. Bonds doesn't care what people think of him even when they are offering their pity. So it's not your fault. It's Aaron Cook's fault. He's the guy who gave up the HR.

Thanks a lot Aaron. And you let him hit it out to left field no less, Aaron? That's like his third home run ever to left field. Congratulations, he saw that one coming.

That was Barry's first long ball since September 27, 2005 when his homer killed Brazilian comedian Ronald Golias thus sending the country of Brazil into mourning. You people in South America aren't shielded from the shit that hits the fan...and neither are you people in Australia.

As soon as Barry's ball cleared the fence, Typhoon Monica jumped to a Category Five with winds of 144 mph and now threaten the good people of Australia...proving Bonds home runs still do have a geological link with the Earth. And it's no small coincidence that Bin Laden is back in the news either.

The rumblings from this home run are relatively small with this being only his first home run of the season and all. It shouldn't really even be news. Omar Vizquel also hit his first of the year and the only reason his shot got any publicity was because Bonds mentioned he didn't want to trail Omar in HR totals. Good one Barry. That little boy in Russia didn't die because Omar went yard.

Those whores over at ESPN are licking their lips and on (no link...find it yourself) their secondary headline about the home run is still up the morning after. Oh...did they mention he has a show called Bonds on Bonds that airs on Tuesday nights? Can't wait to see the show about the latest exploits. It's too bad the Giants won 6-4 so now all we are going to hear is that the reason Barry is suddenly happy is because the Giants won. And that's what it's all about, right?

Thursday, April 20, 2006

People Who Hate Barry Bonds

So with Bonds all over the news for good reasons (not hitting home runs), and with people feeling sorry for the guy, and with this site struggling for something to write about...I began to wonder if even I wanted Barry to hit a home-run or two. But then I remembered the point of this site and I thought back to author Douglas Adams and that fateful day in May of 2001.

On a full count in the 4th inning, Barry hit a 410' blast to right-center field off Steve Trachsel (thanks a lot Steve). It was his 12th home-run of what was to be 73 that year (I can't even do that on Playstation...thanks a lot steroids). Sometime later at a gym in Montecito, California, famed author Douglas Adams had a heart attack and died. He was only 49.

Adams wrote the much beloved Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and had an overall keen sense of the universe and also of the Earth blowing up; an event that occurs at the beginning of Hitchhiker's Guide. When Barry went yard, Adams probably had an epiphany concerning the significance of that home-run and the many future home-runs to come and therefore the end of the world. It is easy to write about the world blowing up in a comedy/sci-fi fictional work, but a little bit more difficult to contemplate the actual end of the world. His heart couldn't take it and therefore Douglas Adams HATES Barry Bonds.

Interestingly enough the plot of the Hitchiker series involves finding the Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. A computer was designed to find this answer and it came up with the answer to the ultimate question: 42. In the books the characters go on trying to find the ultimate question which will give some explanation to the ultimate answer. But maybe these characters and/or Douglas Adams simply weren't baseball fans, because if Barry Bonds were to hit 42 home runs from here on out, no more no less, no matter how long he plays...he will have 750. Five short of the record. Certainly lots of damage will be done by 42 more home runs but at least the world won't blow up.

Monday, April 17, 2006

The State of Bonds

I watched the Giants play the Dodgers last night in what was a pretty good game despite the complete lack of what we are all used to from Barry Bonds. Each time he came up to the plate, the guy I was watching the game with said they shouldn't pitch to him. At one point there were runners on first and third with nobody out in a key point in the game and the guy wanted the Dodgers to walk Bonds. They didn't and things worked out just fine.

It isn't the same Barry Bonds anymore. People have even begun to pity him like the guys over at Deadspin (read their site...everyday), who have jumped off the boo Barry Bonds bandwagon after seeing him play in person. They say that this is the time he is most vulnerable. But I say because this is the time he is most vulnerable, it is a better time than ever to boo and boo loudly. Barry Bonds, maybe more than any other player in baseball history, has shunned the fans. He has done it his entire career with his me first attitude. He is the epitome of the major league asshole. He has been criticized from day one, he has been booed from day one, and since the steroid fiasco broke he has been even more selfish ten fold. If you watch his show he proclaims that it is still about winning. He wants a ring. Is wanting a ring selfish? I don't think it is for most people. Winning isn't selfish in a team sport. You win for your coach, you win for your teammates, you win for the fans, you win for the city where you play, and yes you win for yourself...for your own competitive desire. But does anybody really believe that Barry Bonds want to win, wants a ring for all of these reasons? I don't think so. I think he wants a ring so that with all of these records* he isn't stuck in the best player without a ring category.

And what about the records*? I think that's what it is all about with this guy, and that is the only reason he is still in the game. He is hitting below .200 with no home runs and the guy can barely walk. I mean proper walk. Like walk from left field to the dugout. But that's what he still does at the plate. He walks. If it were the bottom of the ninth with two out and Bonds drew a walk, there is no way he could score from first on a gap shot. This is why Felipe is going to take him completely out of the game in such a situation, which is exactly what happened last night. Barry Bonds has become a liability. How thankful we must all be he isnt' in the American League.

So the point is, they are correct at Deadspin; Barry Bonds is the most vulnerable he has been in his entire career. Relatively speaking this isn't that much because I still don't think he gives a flying shit what anybody else cares about. But by Bonds' standards he is vulnerable nonetheless. So boo him. Boo him in the on deck circle, boo him in left field, boo his gait, boo him when the whores on Sportcenter suck his D, just boo. And maybe, just maybe those boos will get through his steroid induced oversized cranium and into that part in his affected brain where the respect for the history of the game is supposed to live.

Giants 2 Dodgers 0....Bonds 0...Goose 1

The Giants won last night depsite no homers from Bonds.
He was a part of the most exciting play of the game though. BarryBondsApocalypse player of the game goes to Tim Hamulack, who was ejected from the game after hitting Barry Bonds. Well he didn't actually hit Bonds, he hit that giant arm guard Barry wears to protect his right arm that hangs over the inside part of the plate.

Apparently the umpire thought it was in retaliation for an earlier incident. Jeff Kent was beaned in the head by Giants pitcher Brad Hennessey, fresh up from the minors, with what looked to be something less than a fastball. I can't remember what other pitches Hennessey was throwing last night...maybe a sinker or splitter or something. Anyway whatever it was it hit Kent in the head and he had to leave the game. At the time nobody in the stadium thought it was intentional.

So then Barry comes up and gets hit in the arm guard and Hamulack immediately gets tossed. Like I said nobody thought the Kent thing was intentional so why would Hamulack? And why, if he was going to throw at Bonds, not throw at his knees? And why were there no warnings issued? Say what you will about Bonds, but it looks like he is getting protection from the umpires. Bonds also had to leave the game, but not because his arm guard was hurting but rather because he is a liability on the base paths.

This also brings up another point related to getting hit, Barry Bonds, and the home run record. Goose Gossage, in the Playboy MLB preview was talking about the record and people comparing the players in today's game to the players of yesterday. Goose said, and I will have to paraphrase from memory, that he isn't nearly as impressed with Barry Bonds home run totals, even if he were to break the all-time record, as he is with Hank Aaron's record. And this is why, every time Hank Aaron stepped up to the plater (and especially in the early years) parts of his body and even his career were all in jeopardy. A black guy and an excellent home run hitter at that was going to get thrown at. And he knew this everytime his spikes dug in to the batter's box. Getting thrown at was a much more integral part of the game through Aaron's career. And Goose says this is the last thing Bonds or any player today has to worry about. And even if Bonds did have to worry about it occassionally, he has that freaking arm guard. This is one of the reason's Bonds has been able to hit so many home runs, and incidentally one of the reasons Pedro Martinez is one of the most dominant pitchers in the game...and just another reason to have even less respect for Barry Bonds.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Bonds: "I stink right now"

Still no home-runs but "at least the Giants are winning." Story here.
This can't last forever and I think it's more like the calm before the storm.
In "related" news that may be a harbinger of things to come in both world news and baseball news a former Iranian leader says that Iran has enriched uranium.

Only a matter of time?

Friday, April 07, 2006

Giants win...Bonds Still a Loser

The Giants beat my Braves 6-4 but the good news is Bonds was 0-2 with no home runs.
Player of the Game: Bobby Cox. Hey, somebody had to give the order to intentionally walk the guy twice. Bobby Cox HATES Barry Bonds.

But clearly San Francisco fans do not HATE Barry Bonds. They stood and cheered him for 42 seconds. See here if your stomach can manage it. This just makes me hate San Fran even more. Those smug sons of bitches aren't real baseball fans and their team sucks anyway. They need something to stand and cheer about out there so they have to stand and cheer for a performance enhancing ass clown. San Francisco, you're gay. THAAAANKS!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Bonds on Bonds -- Episode One

So the sellouts over at ESPN, the same people who gave us Stephen A. Smith and ESPN Hollywood, are trying to humanize Barry Bonds in his new weekly series, Bonds on Bonds. They show him talking to Dusty Baker's kids, with his family, at his father's gravesite, etc. But all of the cheesy stuff clearly can't make up for the fact that this guy is fucking nuts. If he isn't a friend of the devil, I don't know who is.

First of all Barry Bonds wants to kill you. He said, "I wish killing was legal," but then reconsiders because if it were he would be the first one shot. He later reiterated his blood thirst by telling his daugher he wished she wasn't six because he would kill her.

Problems...more to come later.

Thank God for Rain

The Giants' game against the Padres was rained out tonight. God is watching Barry.
Next up: Giants at Padres 7:05 Pacific. On the mound for SD: Chris Young. Pray for him.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Bonds Loses Season Opener

One game down and 161 to go for the San Francisco Barry Bonds’. Fortunately for all of us Bonds was 1-4 with a mere double. His double came in his first at-bat. The ball jumped off the bat real nice and what at first looked like something that would be easily caught, quickly floated near the wall, where it bounced and went over for a harmless ground-rule-double. Remember the good old days when everybody thought the balls were “juiced?” It never had a chance of going over, thank God. He did later hit a towering fly to center that he clearly didn’t miss by much. His swing looks unchanged and his contact is still impeccable. That’s a bad sign.

Play of the Game: a San Diego fan threw a syringe at Bonds. See here. It didn’t have a needle in it. Bonds saw it, picked it up, and continued to walk back to the dugout. His blank on-field expression never changed. All of this stuff begs the question: Who is he playing for? He can’t need the money. The fans don’t want him to play. The Giants aren’t exactly favorites to win anything outside of the NL West. The only logical reasoning left is that he is the Bringer of Doom and is playing for the end of the world.

Player of the Game: Jake Peavy. Yeah, he gave up the double to Bonds who eventually scored a run, but that’s all the San Fran offense got. They have Ray Durham hitting third if that tells you anything.

Fan of the Game: Since we don’t know who threw the syringe we will have to go with the Padres fan who wore a shirt and carried a sign that just had a giant asterisk on it. (I will put a picture up if I can find one). Quality stuff. And that was from the relatively tame San Diego fan base. I can’t wait for the Giants to head east.

Next up: SF @ SD, 7:05 Barry Bonds time, aka Pacific time. Shawn Estes, a Mormon (dum dum dum dum dum) and former Giant himself, gets the start for the Fathers. Pray for him. Oh, almost forgot. Bonds on Bonds premiers Tuesday night at 7 CST on ESPN2. A complete review will be posted tomorrow after the show.

In “related” news:

Dover, Del. (AP) -- A huge military cargo plane faltered after takeoff and belly-landed short of the Dover Air Force Base runway Monday, breaking apart and drenching some of the 17 people aboard with fuel but causing no fire or life-threatening injuries.

"It is a miracle. Absolutely a miracle," said Lt. Col. Mark Ruse, commander of the base's 436th Air Wing Civil Engineering squadron. "If you look at the condition of that plane and 17 people are still alive right now - it is absolutely amazing."


Its opening day for the Giants and more importantly its opening day for Barry Bonds. The Giants go all the way to San Diego to take on the Padres. The game can be seen on the Barry Bonds/USC Network, aka ESPN at 4:00 Barry Bonds time. For the rest of you, thats 7:00 ET.

If you have been watching any other games on ESPN today (e.g. Braves at Dodgers, ATL-4 LAD-1 top 5th), they have been talking a lot about Bonds. Right now Eric Karros is is wondering aloud why they are even bothering with any further Bonds investigation. He claims the cat is already out of the bag, what's the point of taking it any further, and how is this going to change anything in the last 10-15 years. Rick Sutcliffe chimed in to disagree. For once I agree with the guy and actually enjoyed listening to his perspective. Karros still disagrees. (ATL-5 LAD-1). Clearly Sutcliffe has this site as one of his favorites, and Karros isn't concerned with the rest of the world. (Ooops, Atl-8 LAD-1...Andruw Jones hits the highest home runs in MLB). What good does the investigation do for baseball? It salvages some of the respectibility of the game by finding out once and for all who cheated the fans and history of our National game. Hopefully by doing so Bonds will be forced into early retirement by the sheer shame of the situation and he won't break any more records. Anyway. A breakdown of the game will be posted later.